


WHO YOU GONN4 C4LL?

by justaddfiction



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Polyamory, Quadrant Vacillation, Time Shenanigans, chat fic, pesterlog fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 15:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19008739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justaddfiction/pseuds/justaddfiction
Summary: DAVESPRITE: look what you and she get up to in the privacy of your own meteor room is your own businessDAVESPRITE: nothing wrong with a little makeout session while you whisper sweet nothings about how much you only kind of hate each others gutsJOHN: uh,DAVESPRITE: just dont include me in all of that***DAVESPRITE: fuckTEREZI: >:?JOHN: what?DAVESPRITE: ive been included





	WHO YOU GONN4 C4LL?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Grubbutts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grubbutts/gifts).



DAVESPRITE: look man, i'm telling you this girl is nuts

DAVESPRITE: like, more nuts than the rest of these trolls

JOHN: well, you aren't wrong about that.

DAVESPRITE: you know she killed you, right?

DAVESPRITE: the timeline im from branched off because you died, and you died because you listened to her

DAVESPRITE: so i cant advocate for listening to the murderhappy troll with a prior record on you

JOHN: yeah, i knew about that.

JOHN: your concern is touching and duly noted, dave sprite. but in the time line i'm from, she saved my ass and your ghosty lack-of-ass--

DAVESPRITE: um what

JOHN: --by helping me reset the time line so that none of us die in a loser trap for lame suckers. you, me, and roxy made it through to this time line because of her, remember?

DAVESPRITE: dude

JOHN: so i trust her.

JOHN: even though she killed me, she also saved our lives, so we're even.

JOHN: and this terezi is closer to the one who saved me than the one who killed me anyway.

DAVESPRITE: yeah sure fine whatever

DAVESPRITE: more importantly, what did you say about my ass that totally exists

DAVESPRITE: i dont leave it hanging out for everyone to see but its there

DAVESPRITE: its a premium, grade-a rump

DAVESPRITE: have you ever felt a sprites ass before because if not youre in for the treat of a lifetime

DAVESPRITE: dude where are you going

***

TEREZI: WH4T W4S 4LL TH4T 4BOUT?

JOHN: oh, dave sprite was just looking out for me, i guess.

JOHN: he's kinda on edge around you because in his time line, you killed me, lol.

TEREZI: 1'M SUR3 TH4T WOULD H4V3 B33N 4LL TOO 34SY

TEREZI: YOU'R3 V3RY GULL1BL3, HUM4N 3GB3RT

JOHN: hey! what makes you think that was in any way relevant?

TEREZI: YOUR GULL1B1L1TY 1S 4 UN1V3RS4L CONST4NT

TEREZI: 1'M SUR3 1N 4NY T1M3L1N3 1T'S YOUR GR34T3ST FL4W

TEREZI: 4 FL4W 4NY V3RS1ON OF M3 WOULD B3 4LL TOO T3MPT3D TO 3XPLO1T >:]

JOHN: well, you're right, anyhow.

TEREZI: OF COURS3 1 4M

JOHN: any version of you would be too much of an ass to resist taking advantage of people.

TEREZI: >:O

TEREZI: F1N4LLY!

JOHN: what?

TEREZI: UGH! 4ND TH3R3 1T GO3S

TEREZI: YOU'R3 SO DUMB, HUM4N 3GB3RT JOHN

JOHN: you know, somehow it fits that you still keep up that whole shitty sci-fi "human john" thing.

TEREZI: Y3S 1T DO3S, B3C4US3 1T 1S OBJ3CT1V3LY TH3 H31GHT OF COM3DY

JOHN: maybe the height of comedy that you can reach.

TEREZI: 1S TH4T 4 FUCK1NG SHORT JOK3?

JOHN: i'm just saying. on the kitchen shelves of humor, i can certainly reach higher than you. 

TEREZI: YOU KNOW, ON 4LT3RN14 H31GHT W4S 4SSOC14T3D W1TH W1SDOM 

TEREZI: TH3 T4LL3R TH3 TROLL, TH3 H4RD3R TO K1LL, OR SO TH3 S4Y1NG W3NT 

TEREZI: BUT 1 4LW4YS KN3W 1T W4S 1MP3R14L PROP4G4ND4 

TEREZI: TH3 T4LL3R TH3 TROLL, TH3 H1GH3R TH3Y PROB4BLY W3R3 ON TH3 H3MOSP3CTRUM, WH1CH W4S R34LLY HOW TH3Y'D L1V3D SO LONG 

TEREZI: 1N R34L1TY, T4LL TROLLS W3R3 USU4LLY BRUT1SH 4ND TOO P4MP3R3D TO B3 TRULY W1S3 

TEREZI: 1T'S GOOD TO KNOW MY HYPOTH3S1S 4PPL13S TO 34RTH HUM4NS 4S W3LL 

JOHN: that was a lot of buildup for a pretty weak burn. 

JOHN: anyway, aren't you pretty high on the rainbow blood ladder for how short you are? 

TEREZI: 1 4M SHOCK3D, JOHN HUM4N 3GB3RT, 4T TH1S BR4Z3N D1SPL4Y OF X3NOPHOB1A 

TEREZI: 4BSOLUT3LY D1SGUST1NG 

JOHN: you are right. it really is so xenophobic of me to point out how short you are. 

TEREZI: Y3S 1T 1S, TH4NK YOU FOR YOUR UND3RST4ND1NG 

TEREZI: NOW YOU OW3 M3 ON3 M1LL1ON BOONBUCKS FOR TH1S SL1GHT, 4CCORD1NG TO 4NC13NT 4LT3RN14N TR4D1T1ON 

JOHN: no fucking way, you made that up. 

TEREZI: WOULD YOU R4TH3R STR1F3 M3 FOR YOUR HONOR? 

JOHN: bull shit. let me ask kanaya. i bet she knows all the proper troll customs. 

TEREZI: DON'T YOU D4R3 1NVOLV3 4NOTH3R TROLL 1N YOUR FUCK-UP 

TEREZI: WH3R3 DO YOU TH1NK YOU'R3 GO1NG, 34RTH HUM4N DUD3 

***

TEREZI: D1D 1 R34LLY K1LL H1M? 

DAVESPRITE: jesus christ you scared me 

TEREZI: YOU M34N J3GUS? 

DAVESPRITE: yes i definitely mean jegus 

DAVESPRITE: fucking troll girls and their silent creeping 

DAVESPRITE: is that a requirement for girls on alternia 

DAVESPRITE: being ninjas 

TEREZI: UGH SHUT UP 

TEREZI: 1 4SK3D YOU 4 QU3ST1ON, D3L1C1OUS CR34MS1CL3 BOY 

DAVESPRITE: can you open your mouth without saying something weird and vaguely flirtatious 

DAVESPRITE: just curious 

TEREZI: JUST 4NSW3R MY QU3ST1ON, WH1CH 1 KNOW YOU H34RD 

TEREZI: B3FOR3 1 L1CK TH3 4NSW3R OUT OF YOU >;] 

DAVESPRITE: that answers that question i guess 

DAVESPRITE: to answer yours 

DAVESPRITE: yeah you did 

TEREZI: HOW? 

DAVESPRITE: you gave him a map to his denizen and told him to go kill it 

TEREZI: TH4T SOUNDS L1K3 4 H1M PROBL3M 

DAVESPRITE: you told him itd still be sleeping cause he wasn't high enough level yet 

DAVESPRITE: he had just started the game so he didnt have a chance to confirm or deny that yet 

DAVESPRITE: he trusted you, he went in like a sucker, and that was the last me or rose ever heard from him 

TEREZI: 1 GU3SS TH4T M4K3S S3NS3 

TEREZI: WHY'D 1 DO 1T? 

DAVESPRITE: i dont fucking know 

DAVESPRITE: i dont understand you in the best of circumstances 

TEREZI: HMMM. >:? 

DAVESPRITE: i wish you hadnt 

DAVESPRITE: i mean like, in this timeline you didnt which i guess is a good thing 

DAVESPRITE: and he said you saved all our asses so like, thanks i guess 

DAVESPRITE: but i went through months of john being dead and jade being probably dead 

DAVESPRITE: only to hop back into a timeline where everyone thinks youre the best thing that ever happened to us 

TEREZI: W3LL M4YB3 TH4T T3R3Z1 *W4S* TH3 B3ST TH1NG TO H4PP3N TO YOU GUYS 

TEREZI: JUST L1K3 M4YB3 TH3 T3R3Z1 WHO K1LL3D 3GB3RT W4S TH3 WORST TH1NG TO H4PP3N TO YOU GUYS 

TEREZI: 1'M JUST 4N 4V3R4G3 T3R3Z1

TEREZI: 1 H4V3N'T DON3 4NYTH1NG L1K3 31TH3R OF THOS3 TH1NGS Y3T 

DAVESPRITE: yeah i guess 

DAVESPRITE: whyd you ask then 

TEREZI: 1F 1'M 4N 4V3R4G3 T3R3Z1, 1 W4NT TO KNOW WH4T D4T4 S3T 1'M 4N 4V3R4G3 OF 

TEREZI: 1 W4NT TO KNOW WH4T 1'M C4P4BL3 OF 1N OTH3R C1RCUMST4NC3S 

TEREZI: SUR3LY 4 T1M3 PL4Y3R WOULD UND3RST4ND TH3 1MPORT4NC3 OF KNOW1NG ON3'S 4LT3RN4T3 S3LV3S 

DAVESPRITE: i guess? 

DAVESPRITE: maybe that version of me over there would feel that way 

DAVESPRITE: but becoming a sprite gave me some idea of the whole data set right away, like three years ago 

DAVESPRITE: so i guess i dont think about it too much anymore. all my selves are just me. 

TEREZI: W3LL TH4T'S GR34T FOR YOU, 1SN'T 1T

TEREZI: SOM3 OF US H4V3 TO UND3RST4ND OUR ULT1M4T3 S3LV3S TH3 H4RD W4Y 

DAVESPRITE: i think you could if you tried 

TEREZI: WH4T? 

DAVESPRITE: youre a seer of mind right 

DAVESPRITE: thats like, the perfect role for understanding ultimate selves 

DAVESPRITE: so even if youre not god tier, you could probably do it 

TEREZI: OK4Y? 1 H4DN'T PL4NN3D ON TRY1NG BUT TH4NKS FOR THE VOT3 OF CONF1D3NC3 1 GUESS 

DAVESPRITE: oh fuck that is what that was isnt it 

DAVESPRITE: never mind, cancelled, you definitely cant 

TEREZI: TOO L4T3, YOU 4LR34DY S41D 1 COULD 

DAVESPRITE: how does john put up with you 

TEREZI: B3C4US3 H3'S 1N LOV3 W1TH M3 

DAVESPRITE: yeah i understand jack shit about your weird hate-mance but that's definitely bullshit 

TEREZI: YOU'R3 R1GHT 

TEREZI: H3 DO3SN'T PUT UP W1TH M3 4T 4LL. TH4T'S TH3 PO1NT. >:] 

DAVESPRITE: there we go 

TEREZI: SO WHY DO YOU PUT UP W1TH M3? 

DAVESPRITE: i dont 

DAVESPRITE: seeya 

TEREZI: WH3R3 4R3 YOU GO1NG? 

TEREZI: G3T YOUR D3C4D3NT CR34MS1CL3 4SS B4CK H3R3 

DAVESPRITE: finally someone appreciates it 

DAVESPRITE: would you mind putting in a good word about it with egbert 

DAVESPRITE: he thinks i don't have an ass 

TEREZI: 4ND 1 THOUGHT 1 W4S TH3 BL1ND ON3 

DAVESPRITE: thank you 

DAVESPRITE: wait was that a dig at him or me 

TEREZI: GU3SS 

DAVESPRITE: god damn it 

TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 

DAVESPRITE: look i never thought i'd say this but get a load of this ass 

TEREZI: >:O 

TEREZI: 1 T4K3 1T B4CK 

TEREZI: 1 T4K3 1T 4LL B4CK 

DAVESPRITE: pretty sweet right 

TEREZI: MY NOS3 H4S N3V3R B3H3LD SUCH 4 D3L3CT4BL3 4SS 

DAVESPRITE: so you'll tell egbert, right? but like, subtly 

DAVESPRITE: you're the mindgames troll, this is right up your alley, right? 

DAVESPRITE: just mention it offhand, all smooth and whatever, just james bond that shit 

DAVESPRITE: your mission, should you choose to accept it: hype the orange feathery ass 

DAVESPRITE: wait where are you going 

***

TEREZI: JOHN 1 N33D YOU TO DO SOM3TH1NG FOR M3 

TEREZI: 1T'S V3RY 1MPORT4NT 

TEREZI: 1 N33D YOU TO FLY TO D3RS3 4ND S1T ST1LL 1N TH3 M41N SQU4R3 FOR 4N HOUR 

JOHN: uh, yeah, okay.

TEREZI: WRONG 4NSW3R!

JOHN: what?

TEREZI: 3V3RY D3RS31T3 WOULD LOV3 TH3 HONOR OF K1LL1NG TH3 H31R 

TEREZI: OK4Y, HOW 4BOUT TH1S 1NST34D:

TEREZI: 1 N33D YOU TO SPR4Y P41NT SOM3TH1NG L3WD ON D1RK'S 34ST3RN 4LT3RN14N 4N1M4T1ON SWORD 

JOHN: oh, sweet. epic prank! 

TEREZI: NO, NOT HUM4N S4CCH4R1N3, JOHN! H3 W1LL K1LL YOU W1TH TH4T V3RY SWORD 

JOHN: somehow i doubt that. he's not that bad of a dude. 

TEREZI: OK4Y 

TEREZI: 1 W1LL G1V3 YOU ON3 MOR3 CH4NC3 TO PROV3 YOU 4R3 MOR3 S4VVY TH4N TH3 FR3SH3ST OF WR1GGL3RS 

TEREZI: 1 N33D YOU TO GO DOWN TO 3CH1DN4'S L41R 4ND BR1NG M3 4 QU1LL 

JOHN: eh, why not? 

TEREZI: TH1S 1S WORS3 TH4N 1 THOUGHT 

TEREZI: YOUR TH1NK P4N 1S CL34RLY 4DDL3D 

TEREZI: DO YOU JUST 4CC3PT 3V3RYTH1NG 1 T3LL YOU 4T F4C3 V4LU3? 

JOHN: well, no. just the things you actually want me to take at face value. 

TEREZI: UUUUUUUUGH 

TEREZI: 34RTH JOHN HUM4N 3GB3RT

JOHN: yes, alternia terezi troll pyrope?

TEREZI: YOU N33D TO B3 L3SS GULL1BL3

TEREZI: 3V3N 1F 1T'S YOUR S1GN4TUR3 DORKY TR41T 

TEREZI: SO 4LL TH3 M4L1C1OUS 4LT-T3R3Z1S OF P4R4DOX SP4C3 DON'T K1LL YOU

JOHN: whoa, whoa, whoa. hold up. is that what this is all about? 

TEREZI: 1 C4N'T H4V3 4 K1SM3S1S WHO 1'M G3NU1N3LY WORR13D W1LL G3T H1MS3LF K1LLED ON JUST 4 SUGG3ST1ON FROM M3 

JOHN: wait a second. kismesis? which one is that? 

TEREZI: SP4D3S <3<

JOHN: are we hate-dating? 

TEREZI: W3 C4N'T WH1L3 YOU'R3 ST1LL SO GULL1BL3! 3V3N THOUGH TH4T'S H4LF TH3 R34SON 1 H4T3 YOU! 

TEREZI: J3GUS, JOHN, TRY TO K33P UP 

JOHN: i suddenly understand jack shit. 

TEREZI: UGH, TH1S 1S WH4T 1'M T4LK1NG 4BOUT! YOU 4R3 JUST SO 34SY TO MOCK, 1T'S TOO T3MPT1NG 

TEREZI: YOU H4V3 SO MUCH POT3NT14L BUT YOU'R3 W4ST1NG 1T ON B31NG 4 DUMB N3RD 

TEREZI: B31NG 4 DUMB N3RD M4K3S YOU 34SY TO K1LL 

TEREZI: SO 1 H4V3 TO L1M1T MYS3LF TO M4K3 SUR3 1 DON'T 4CC1D3NT4LLY K1LL YOU, WH1CH 1S G3TT1NG 1N TH3 W4Y OF 4 PROP3R C4L1G1NOUS COURTSH1P 

JOHN: hey, dave sprite stopped you from killing me in my time line. he didn't exist yet in his time line. or, he did, but as a dave, not as dave sprite. 

JOHN: but he exists now, and i trust him to catch anything i don't notice myself. 

JOHN: plus, if you did accidentally kill me, i'd just come back to life. god tier, remember?

TEREZI: SOM3HOW 1 WOULDN'T PUT 1T P4ST YOU TO 4CC1D3NT4LLY D13 4 H3RO1C D34TH. TH4T'S JUST TH3 K1ND OF P3RSON YOU 4R3 

JOHN: that's... actually kind of sweet? thanks, terezi. 

JOHN: don't worry. i won't do anything that makes you have to stop mocking me long enough to look like you might like me. 

TEREZI: GOD, JOHN, YOU'R3 SO FUCK1NG STUP1D 

TEREZI: COM3 H3R3 

JOHN: whoa!

***

DAVESPRITE: sooo 

DAVESPRITE: you, and her

DAVESPRITE: hate-dating 

JOHN: ugh, i do not want to talk about this with you, dave sprite. 

DAVESPRITE: what? why not? youre my best bro 

DAVESPRITE: i hope you know how many bros you beat out for that title, all jockeying for the position 

DAVESPRITE: i had to put my foot down and select only the finest, most premium of fraternal meatheads wearing only the finest shades and baseball caps 

DAVESPRITE: the competition was pretty fuckin upset

DAVESPRITE: i nearly got stampeded by all those goddamn jockeys 

JOHN: all right, all right. hold your horse metaphors. i just, well,

DAVESPRITE: spill it, egbert 

JOHN: you're not really the guy to talk to about all the troll quadrants and stuff.

DAVESPRITE: called it 

JOHN: you see, we're kind of in the hate quadrant. but also we're kind of not? i don't hate her, and honestly i don't think she hates me. i just think she's annoying and fun to mess with. 

JOHN: but also i care about her a lot? and i think she cares about me too?

DAVESPRITE: isnt that just like, a run-of-the-mill relationship between two aggravating people 

JOHN: see, that's what i'm talking about! 

JOHN: i know you don't like the quadrants, and honestly i don't really get them either, but they're important to her. can't you extend a little understanding toward her culture and customs? 

DAVESPRITE: look what you and she get up to in the privacy of your own meteor room is your own business 

DAVESPRITE: nothing wrong with a little makeout session while you whisper sweet nothings about how much you only kind of hate each others guts 

JOHN: uh, 

DAVESPRITE: just dont include me in all of that 

***

DAVESPRITE: fuck

TEREZI: >:?

JOHN: what? 

DAVESPRITE: ive been included 

TEREZI: 1 S33M TO R3C4LL YOU B31NG R4TH3R 34G3R TO B3 1NCLUD3D

TEREZI: 4S F4R 4S COOLK1DS C4N B3 34G3R 

JOHN: you have been so included. consider yourself a card-carrying member of... whatever this is.

DAVESPRITE: look this has been fun and all but is anyone gonna ask the question that still needs asking

DAVESPRITE: what the hell are we doing

TEREZI: 1T'S S1MPL3 

TEREZI: W3'R3 V4SC1LL4T1NG

DAVESPRITE: what

TEREZI: JOHN 4ND 1 4R3 K1SM3S3S BUT SOM3T1M3S W3'R3 FLUSH3D

TEREZI: YOU 4ND JOHN 4R3 MO1R41LS BUT SOM3T1M3S YOU'R3 FLUSH3D

TEREZI: YOU 4ND 1 GO B3TW33N P1TCH 4ND P4L3

TEREZI: 1T'S NOT TH4T COMPL1C4T3D

JOHN: yeah, dave sprite. it's not that complicated.

DAVESPRITE: sounds to me like we're just all dating, human-style

TEREZI: TH4T WORKS TOO

DAVESPRITE: cool

DAVESPRITE: cool cool cool no doubt no doubt 

JOHN: oh jeez. was that an option this whole time?

TEREZI: OF COURS3, JOHN 

TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU T4K3 M3 FOR, 4 X3NOPHOB3?

JOHN: i suddenly understand jack shit. 

TEREZI: WH4T 3LS3 1S N3W? 

DAVESPRITE: yeah hate to break it to you but that seems like a permanent state for you 

DAVESPRITE: you know jack shit, john egbert 

DAVESPRITE: damn that sounds like it could be a thing. it's missing something though

TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU B4BBL1NG 4BOUT? 

DAVESPRITE: man even i dont fucking know

JOHN: i guess none of us know what's going on.

JOHN: maybe we should get back to what we were doing?

TEREZI: TH4T'S TH3 SM4RT3ST TH1NG YOU'V3 S41D 4LL D4Y

TEREZI: 4LL 4BO4RD THE S3GM3NT3D M4SS TR4NSPORT TO SLOPPY M4K3OUTV1LL3

TEREZI: TH3 TOWN'S POPUL4T1ON H4S B33N D3C1M4T3D BY R3C3NT M4SS CULL1NGS

TEREZI: 1T 1S OUR C1V1C DUTY TO R3COLON1Z3 

JOHN: wow you are such a dork. 

DAVESPRITE: i guess this is my life now 

TEREZI: G3T US3D TO 1T >;] 

**Author's Note:**

> This was so much fun to write! I would never have considered this ship before now but honestly it works so well? So thanks for opening my eyes!  
> Happy Polyswap!


End file.
